Corpse Guy

Oh I can’t believe I have forgotten Corpse Guy. He is this freaky, slightly goth dude (who I recently found out is a lawyer, surprisingly enough) who comes in and uses our computers to upload his MySpace photos. He used to tell one of our guys the weirdest shit about having corpses in his house, and that a corpse costs alot of money. He also would show him photos of dead bodies. He told me he trained Afghanistan’s how to make bombs in the 80’s. He also said that he had to redo his MySpace profile because two women complained that he was harassing them. He’s a character!

Billy Ray is Back

Guess what? Billy Ray came back to complain about the price of his fax. What a loser! He’s supposedly paying $200 million for the Ritz Carlton, but he can’t afford $68 for a fax? Besides, isn’t that a business tax deduction?

The Bus Has Eyes

There are these two people who always come in and stand by our door while waiting for the bus. Even when it’s a nice day. They look like they are from that movie “The Hills Have Eyes”. I think it’s a mother and son, and they both weigh about 400 lbs. I’m pretty sure there is some kind of retardation present! The other day the son was cleaning the bottom of the moms shoes. She would lift one leg up (which looked pretty tough) and he would bend over and clean them with a wet paper towel. His gut was hanging out, and it was sick and hilarious at the same time. I think they take the bus down from their shack in the hills to get twinkies and supplies for their still.

Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Asses

Today I delt with THE dumbest people I have ever delt with! Man is that saying alot! These three TOTAL moron idiots came in to get a picture blown up to 24 x 36. I have attatched it here. It is a totally small picture and they couldn’t understand why it couldn’t be blown up. The were asking if it was the camera. They couldn’t even save the stupid file to their flash drive. One guy said, “Dude, I need to pass this acting class to graduate.”

They were actors, there is a big surprise! Their photo is of a naked dude also. Seriously, these guys make me think the Nazi eugenics plan was a good idea! I wish I could have recorded the whole conversation, I can’t remember it becasue it was already nine hours ago. I just can’t stress how ignorant these dumbasses were!

I also had to help this old lady who looked and sounded  like the fucking Crypt Keeper. In between gags and wheezes, she was driving me nuts about the copy quality. I felt like saying, “Look lady, you’re at fucking Kinkos, not NASA. It’s a fucking copy machine you old hag, deal with it!

Here she is…

Country Girl Oro

Oh god, yesterday was horrible. We were so busy and had so many ignorant losers I was seriously contemplating quitting! The dumbest were these two white trash hillbilly ladies. They were too dumb, lazy, or both to figure out how to make photos on the Sony picture station. One said, “I’m just an old country girl, I don’t know how to do this.” I’ll agree with the cunt-ry part lady.  One thing I have to point out is that we never have received training on this machine, yet I know exactly how to use it. Why? Is it because everyone who works at Kinko’s is a genius? No, it’s because that machine is so easy to use a little fucking kid could do it!!! It tells you step by step what to do. So I was annoyed by having to help them with this totally simple machine already. Then the one hillbilly is like, “Have you ever seen an oro?” I didn’t know what the fuck she was babbling about. She showed me the photos. It was a graveyard on a really bright sunny day, and she was trying to tell me that a lens reflection was the aura of a dead person. Oh my god, what a friggin’ moron. Not only could she not pronounce the word correctly (or spell it I’m sure), she thinks she’s got a picture of a damn ghost. Then they went on babbling stupid shit to each other like, “I have a friend who can see oros without a camera”. “Wow, she must be a psychic,” says the other one. Anyway, these two were so dumb I just wanted to crush their heads.

Then there were other more typical idiots. This one dufus was trying to print this ignorant thing to glue to his key chain. Actually, he thought we could laminate the thing to his super thick key chain. Sorry dumbfuck. I had to print his thing 5 or 6 times to get it to the size he wanted. Then he wanted to come use our computer to edit it. I told him he could use our self serve computers. Yeah, I’m gonna let you use our computer for free after wasting a half hour of my time. He was a goofy little sandle wearing bastard.

Then there was a mother daughter bitch team. “Staples gives a two dollar rebate on Ink cartridges. You don’t do that?” No, and Staples is right across the road you loud mouth twat! Then there was a guy who we thought wanted copies made, but who was really trying to ship something. He was a total moron tool! There were too many other morons for me to remember, but the company designing my website said they should have something for me to look at today. I hope so! I can’t wait to get my business rolling so I can get the fuck out of this miserable job!

Look, it’s a hillbilly with an aura!

Old Asshole

Tonight was super slow because of Spring Break. Not that I’m complaining! It was the best day I’ve had in awhile! I only talked to like four customers the whole day. Awesome! Poop Guy came in though. We didn’t say anything to him.

I’ll tell you about a customer that comes in once in awhile. He’s this relatively old man, not super old, but not young. I don’t know if he had a stroke or what, but he talks kind of low (yes, he’s a low talker) and is hard to understand. He uses the computers in self serve. He always has troubles, and comes and bitches like it’s our fault. “It’s too slow, and will take forever,” to do what he wants. He wanted me to help him install some driver, but it took me five minutes to figure out that’s what he was saying. Then he says his laptop can’t connect to our network and we need to redesign our software. Do I look like the CEO or a software programmer? I’m wearing an apron and a name-tag for Christ’s sake. I can’t change a damned thing. He also hits on college girls, not that they can understand what the fuck he’s saying. Next time he comes in bugging us, I’m just going to call 911 to come get him and say that I think he’s having another stroke. I’ll show them this picture I found on a stroke website:

Yep that’s him.

Poop Guy

One of our most hated customers is Poop Guy. He comes in almost every night, doesn’t buy anything, just goes to the bathroom and takes a huge disgustingly smelly shit. Then he sits in the self serve computer area and writes on papers and mumbles crazy shit for an hour or two.

Oh, that reminds of another customer, Box Guy (I just made that name up, we just call him “The guy who always wants boxes”). He used to come in wanting our empty paper boxes all the time. We usually gave him some or all of them, even though he never bought anything. Well, we hadn’t noticed him not coming in for awhile, and didn’t think much about it. One day I was in the back on a break, and this dufus comes in our back door and started helping himself to the boxes. What nerve! I don’t know how he even knew where we kept them. I can’t believe this guy. Then the Red Cross called me one day and asked if they could have any boxes we might have. I told them sure, and moved them all behind a locked door. Sure enough, box man comes in and asks if we have any boxes (after not seeing them in the back of course). I told him I was saving them for the Red Cross. He says, “Well, what do they need them for?” What a friggin jerk this guy is! I almost said, “I don’t know, but I’m sure they’ll put them to better use than someone who isn’t even our customer and is an asshole.”

Check out this video:

Possibly the Dumbest Customer Ever

Some Asian guy tonight (who wouldn’t even try to send a fax himself) was talking to the fax machine. It was hilarious!!!! When the fax machine dials you can hear it, and this guy thought there was a person on the other end. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any funnier, he actually picked up the handset on the machine and tried talking into it. HA! HA! HA! What a moron!

Another guy, who may have been drinking, asked one of us if we do production work as a hobby. Yeah, we all have $5000 copy machines in our living room dipshit! Making copies is so much fun that we do it all day and night.

I wish I worked at this Kinkos:

Professors and Students

Some of the dumbest people are professors and students. These dumb frat boys and sorrority chicks (sorrostitues we calls ‘em) are so dumb they can’t make a copy, yet they’re in college and will probably be making good money some day. The professors are dipshits too, only they’re bigger assholes about everything.

What’s funny, is even our ads show how dumb our customers are! Check this out! (Probably a true story!)