Corpse Guy

Oh I can’t believe I have forgotten Corpse Guy. He is this freaky, slightly goth dude (who I recently found out is a lawyer, surprisingly enough) who comes in and uses our computers to upload his MySpace photos. He used to tell one of our guys the weirdest shit about having corpses in his house, and that a corpse costs alot of money. He also would show him photos of dead bodies. He told me he trained Afghanistan’s how to make bombs in the 80’s. He also said that he had to redo his MySpace profile because two women complained that he was harassing them. He’s a character!

Billy Ray is Back

Guess what? Billy Ray came back to complain about the price of his fax. What a loser! He’s supposedly paying $200 million for the Ritz Carlton, but he can’t afford $68 for a fax? Besides, isn’t that a business tax deduction?

The Bus Has Eyes

There are these two people who always come in and stand by our door while waiting for the bus. Even when it’s a nice day. They look like they are from that movie “The Hills Have Eyes”. I think it’s a mother and son, and they both weigh about 400 lbs. I’m pretty sure there is some kind of retardation present! The other day the son was cleaning the bottom of the moms shoes. She would lift one leg up (which looked pretty tough) and he would bend over and clean them with a wet paper towel. His gut was hanging out, and it was sick and hilarious at the same time. I think they take the bus down from their shack in the hills to get twinkies and supplies for their still.

Billy Ray Cyrus and his $200,000,000 hotel

This was awesome! I helped this guy who looked like Billy Ray Cyrus. He had a crazy mullet going, shaved all on top and a long pony tail. He was sending a 70 page fax and told me he was buying the Ritz Carlton in Las Vegas for $200,000,000. The contract did say that, so who knows?! Maybe it’s the truth?!

Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Asses

Today I delt with THE dumbest people I have ever delt with! Man is that saying alot! These three TOTAL moron idiots came in to get a picture blown up to 24 x 36. I have attatched it here. It is a totally small picture and they couldn’t understand why it couldn’t be blown up. The were asking if it was the camera. They couldn’t even save the stupid file to their flash drive. One guy said, “Dude, I need to pass this acting class to graduate.”

They were actors, there is a big surprise! Their photo is of a naked dude also. Seriously, these guys make me think the Nazi eugenics plan was a good idea! I wish I could have recorded the whole conversation, I can’t remember it becasue it was already nine hours ago. I just can’t stress how ignorant these dumbasses were!

I also had to help this old lady who looked and sounded  like the fucking Crypt Keeper. In between gags and wheezes, she was driving me nuts about the copy quality. I felt like saying, “Look lady, you’re at fucking Kinkos, not NASA. It’s a fucking copy machine you old hag, deal with it!

Here she is…

Working While Sick

I have been sick for a week or so, and not only have I not called in (because of people on vacation) I even had to work an extra day. Oh, what a terrible week it’s been! I tried to be nice and help one lady out last night, and it turned into a total ordeal. She was nice, but kept saying “Oh, can we try this, can we try that?” I should have cut her off at the pass. We were busy all day. Then after everything was finally silent for a few minutes at 10:30 PM, some big fat nerd came in and bugged the shit out of us. I asked if his copies were single or double sided, and he didn’t know. Try looking at the pages dipshit, it’s not too hard to figure out.

Also, box guy called, and Poop Guy came in and stunk up the bathroom.

Country Girl Oro

Oh god, yesterday was horrible. We were so busy and had so many ignorant losers I was seriously contemplating quitting! The dumbest were these two white trash hillbilly ladies. They were too dumb, lazy, or both to figure out how to make photos on the Sony picture station. One said, “I’m just an old country girl, I don’t know how to do this.” I’ll agree with the cunt-ry part lady.  One thing I have to point out is that we never have received training on this machine, yet I know exactly how to use it. Why? Is it because everyone who works at Kinko’s is a genius? No, it’s because that machine is so easy to use a little fucking kid could do it!!! It tells you step by step what to do. So I was annoyed by having to help them with this totally simple machine already. Then the one hillbilly is like, “Have you ever seen an oro?” I didn’t know what the fuck she was babbling about. She showed me the photos. It was a graveyard on a really bright sunny day, and she was trying to tell me that a lens reflection was the aura of a dead person. Oh my god, what a friggin’ moron. Not only could she not pronounce the word correctly (or spell it I’m sure), she thinks she’s got a picture of a damn ghost. Then they went on babbling stupid shit to each other like, “I have a friend who can see oros without a camera”. “Wow, she must be a psychic,” says the other one. Anyway, these two were so dumb I just wanted to crush their heads.

Then there were other more typical idiots. This one dufus was trying to print this ignorant thing to glue to his key chain. Actually, he thought we could laminate the thing to his super thick key chain. Sorry dumbfuck. I had to print his thing 5 or 6 times to get it to the size he wanted. Then he wanted to come use our computer to edit it. I told him he could use our self serve computers. Yeah, I’m gonna let you use our computer for free after wasting a half hour of my time. He was a goofy little sandle wearing bastard.

Then there was a mother daughter bitch team. “Staples gives a two dollar rebate on Ink cartridges. You don’t do that?” No, and Staples is right across the road you loud mouth twat! Then there was a guy who we thought wanted copies made, but who was really trying to ship something. He was a total moron tool! There were too many other morons for me to remember, but the company designing my website said they should have something for me to look at today. I hope so! I can’t wait to get my business rolling so I can get the fuck out of this miserable job!

Look, it’s a hillbilly with an aura!

Typical Day

Some old guy who was copying dog massage photos (don’t ask), spilled his coffee all over the place. It was a total mess. Then he was trying to tell me all about dog muscles like I gave a shit. I was trying to print something for this older lady, and she was standing so close to me her arm kept rubbing mine. Weirdo!

One of the worst things about Kinkos is the shitty music they play! I hear the same crappy songs day in day out. If I have to hear Avril one more time I’m going to shoot somebody!

The Usual Suspects

Last night was not super busy, but here is a list of dipshits we had to deal with.

1. A hideous old bag with a moustache who was a real pain in the ass.

2. A lumberjack (or at least he was dressed like one) who smelled like he had a turd in his pocket.

3. Some goofy asian lady who wanted rates for eight different Fed Ex packages

4. Some doofus with a “Miami Vice” looking jacket. It had pink stripes on it. This guy was classic!

Old Asshole

Tonight was super slow because of Spring Break. Not that I’m complaining! It was the best day I’ve had in awhile! I only talked to like four customers the whole day. Awesome! Poop Guy came in though. We didn’t say anything to him.

I’ll tell you about a customer that comes in once in awhile. He’s this relatively old man, not super old, but not young. I don’t know if he had a stroke or what, but he talks kind of low (yes, he’s a low talker) and is hard to understand. He uses the computers in self serve. He always has troubles, and comes and bitches like it’s our fault. “It’s too slow, and will take forever,” to do what he wants. He wanted me to help him install some driver, but it took me five minutes to figure out that’s what he was saying. Then he says his laptop can’t connect to our network and we need to redesign our software. Do I look like the CEO or a software programmer? I’m wearing an apron and a name-tag for Christ’s sake. I can’t change a damned thing. He also hits on college girls, not that they can understand what the fuck he’s saying. Next time he comes in bugging us, I’m just going to call 911 to come get him and say that I think he’s having another stroke. I’ll show them this picture I found on a stroke website:

Yep that’s him.